What I learned from being manipulated, and how you can avoid the mistakes I made
Marian Everett // EEW Magazine Online // Wisdom
12 years ago I entered a business relationship feeling super excited and optimistic. I was 22 years old and way more gullible and naïve than I knew I was.
I met a guy at a networking workshop in my city. He had slick business cards and an even slicker suit. He gave me a long list of references and rattled off well-known names of people he was connected to. What a blessing to have met him, I thought.
After talking briefly at the opening mixer, he told me I was impressive, and he could help me reach my business goals a lot faster. He said he was drawn to my vision for working with at-risk youth populations and had some good connections he could pass along to me.
Since he seemed credible, trustworthy and really nice from what I could tell, I gave him my number and set up a date to meet up. The initial meeting led to six months of meetings, and I ended up being scammed out of hundreds of dollars. I never received any of the contacts or assistance he led me to believe he could provide. He didn’t help me get my organization off the ground, but he did lighten my pockets and crush my dreams.
After realizing he was a manipulative scam artist, I was angry with myself for letting him string me along for so long. And that’s what hurt the most: I allowed this quick-witted, smooth-tongued manipulator to take me for a ride. I felt dumb, and I was angry with myself for a long time. Yet, that was the beginning of my growth.
Before I understood what made me susceptible to manipulation—that time and at other times in my life, too—I had to stop pointing fingers and look within. I had no control over him, but I could control me and try to avoid the actions that got me in that predicament in the first place.
Here are a few things that made me easy to manipulate. If you see any of these tendencies in yourself, pray over these areas as you work on them so you won’t get hurt like I did.
I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t think I was capable of understanding all the complexities of bringing my vision to life, so I was overly trusting of someone who said they could take me where I wanted to go. Had I trusted myself, I would have thought things through, done my research, and pulled together a workable plan based on my own findings. Trusting and believing that you are capable is key.
I ignored character. Someone’s actions tell you a lot about their character. I ignored this fact and excused bad behavior. Whenever he lied, missed deadlines, or got defensive when I asked him to honor his word, I blamed myself for being too pushy or impatient with “such an important person.” I let him off the hook and overlooked character flaws for fear of jeopardizing what I thought was a valuable partnership. Pay attention to actions more than words.
I pushed my own knowledge aside. There is some level of knowledge and information I brought to the table. But once this more experienced person gave me their insight, I pushed my own knowledge aside, even when what he told me to do contradicted what I knew worked. That was one of my biggest regrets. When you come into a situation knowing something, stand on what you know. If a person introduces new information, that’s all well and good. But if their suggestions and methods cause you to stray from what has been effective for you, that’s not good.
I let my baggage get the best of me. I survived physical abuse as a teen which made me scared of confrontation. So, whenever I confronted the man who was manipulating me, and he got upset about it, I backed down. I became passive and submissive, and I empowered and emboldened him to do whatever he wanted. Dealing with baggage is critical, so you can quickly course correct when you see yourself going down the wrong path with a manipulator.
I didn’t say no. No is a complete sentence and a powerful one too, but it can be hard for many women to say. Before fully realizing I was being manipulated, there were times when I felt like something was off. But still, I betrayed myself and tuned out the Holy Spirit. I silenced every alarm bell and went along with it anyway. Instead of drawing a line in the sand and enforcing boundaries, I said yes verbally, when my heart, mind and spirit were all saying, no way, Marian! Don’t do what I did. Don’t be afraid to say no, so you can put a stop to any cycles that are hurting you.
I could have pinned the blame for what happened to me on my manipulator and absolved myself of any responsibility. But that would not have helped me learn anything from my mistakes. Being self-aware and willing to admit your part in allowing a manipulator to have their way with you is an essential part of moving beyond it and being wiser in the future.
