A Time To Mourn: 6 ways to grieve in a health way from a Christian psychologist’s perspective
Written By Mallory Parker // EEW Magazine Online / Grief & Loss
“A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” (Ecclesiastes 3:4 NIV)
If you live long enough, you will step into that unpleasant season of mourning. Though we all know this, nothing can prepare you for the devastation of saying goodbye to someone you cherish.
When a loved one transitions, some people throw around the popular saying, “Time heals all wounds.” However, this does not necessarily apply. The simple passage of time is not enough to heal the gaping wound in your heart that death leaves behind if you do not go through the grieving process properly.
Dr. Lynn Daniels, a Chicago-based Christian psychologist tells EEW Magazine Online, “Unless you understand some fundamentals about grieving, you will make no progress and will remain stuck in a deep pit of darkness for an indefinite period of time.”
If someone special to you has died and you are unsure of how to grieve them in a healthy way, Dr. Daniels says, “Pray for sure, but also be practical. Be intentional during this sensitive time. Otherwise, you will be overwhelmed and emotionally stunted.”
To help you mourn properly, Dr. Daniels is providing EEW Magazine Online readers with 6 ways to grieve in a healthy way – though, she says, grief strategies are not limited to those listed here.
#1 Let yourself feel the pain. Let yourself be human – to feel pain is what it means to be human, says Dr. Daniels. Though negative emotions are difficult to deal with, give them space to present themselves. Without giving negative emotions room to break through, you will never be able to move forward in a healthy way when the time is right. Take time to cry, rest, and experience grief. When someone you love passes on, do not try to push through, pretend to be strong, or avoid your feelings.
#2 Don’t wallow. The definition of wallow when used as a noun is “an area of mud or shallow water where mammals go to wallow, typically developing into a depression in the ground over long use.” To wallow, for the purposes of this article explains Dr. Daniels, means remaining in a state of grief so long, one sinks into long-term depression. This is what you want to avoid. While grief has not timetable, and no one can dictate how long anyone should grieve, make sure you have the right mindset – one that says, I am grieving today, but this is not where I will be forever. If you are wallowing and experiencing serious systems of depression and anxiety or having thoughts of self-harm, promptly seek professional mental health treatment to overcome this hurdle.
#3 Laugh and reminisce about the good times. One of the healthiest ways to cope with grief is focusing on pleasant memories and laughing about the funny moments, says Dr. Daniels. What are some of the hilarious things that person said or did? What quirky things about their personality – even if they were not intended to be funny – can still make you giggle? Well, what if there were difficult and strained moments in the relationship? Try not to dwell on the things that you cannot fix. Whatever is good and lovely, focus on that. Besides, laughter is incredibly healthy! “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength” (Proverbs 17:22 NLT). Whenever you can, think about the good times.
#4 Turn pain into purpose. How did your loved one die? A disease? A miscarriage or stillbirth? A tragic accident? Natural causes? A mystery? Whatever the cause of their transition, it hurts just the same. So then, ask yourself, what can I do to help alleviate that hurt and turn the pain of their loss into purpose? recommends Dr. Daniels. If their death resulted from an accident, are you able to create an awareness campaign to help others avoid this? Would starting a foundation, charity, or scholarship in their name be helpful? Writing a song for them? Sharing their story? Could you carry on their work or legacy in some way? When you feel strong enough, after you have had some time to process their loss, doing something to honor them can be healing for you and helpful to others at the same time.
#5 Cherish every moment going forward. Don’t stop living when a loved one dies. Many mourners make this mistake, says Dr. Daniels. How about, instead, finding ways to appreciate your life and cherish every moment you have left? You cannot bring your loved one back, but you can enjoy your life, right? Life is short. James 4:14 says, “For you are like vapor that appears for a little while, then vanishes.” Before your time on earth is up, squeeze every ounce of joy, happiness, peace and purpose out of life that you can. So when the time comes for you to meet your maker, you will die empty, having fulfilled your divine purpose and lived to the fullest.
#6 Accept help, love, and support. A strong, loving, supportive community is a powerful healing force in times of grief, stresses Dr. Daniels. It takes a village to get through the mourning process. Be sure not to isolate. Stay connected to your tribe – a local church body, a virtual community, a grief support group, family and friends. Receive all the love you can and resist the urge to shut everyone out. Of course, that doesn’t mean you can never be alone. Every person needs some time alone. But if you’re shutting down for days on end with the curtains drawn and ignoring phone calls, this is a red flag. Again, open yourself up to receive the healing power of love. You deserve that.
Losing those we love hurts horribly, but it is a natural part of the cycle of life. Lean heavily into your faith while applying these practical tips to get you through it.
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*If you are in crisis or know someone in crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741.
