By Cicely Stevens // Christianity // EEW Magazine Online

Stand-up comic Jerrod Carmichael comes out as gay in his new HBO special, “Rothaniel”— a revealing look at a conflicted man in search of acceptance while navigating the complexities of religion and sexuality identity.

The 34-year-old self-identified Christian sits onstage in front of a rapt audience at the Blue Note Jazz Club in New York and bares his soul in the hourlong special.

“Last time I talked about being gay with my mom, she said, ‘I can’t go against Jesus,’” Carmichael recounts. “Part of me knows she’s, like, at home trying to pray the gay away. I get a little mad sometimes.”

In this special, he goes there. All the way there.

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Given the complicated history of the Black church and the gay community, it does not come as a shock that there is tension—both internally and externally—surrounding the comedian’s decision to embrace his identity publicly and fully as a Black, gay man who follows Jesus.

“This is a religion that I still believe in. I’m still a Christian, and it’s taken a lot. It’s taken a whole lot, because I’ve had to reconfigure God and what God is and what He means in order to accept myself,” Carmichael tells the audience.

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One can feel the palpable undertones of agony and see the sadness in the eyes of the actor and filmmaker while he shares his musings in a relaxed, conversational tone. It becomes obvious that much of Carmichael’s struggle is rooted in his family dynamic, more specifically, his relationship with his mother. Her response to his sexuality, guided by her faith, makes him feel rejected.

“She gives me nothing,” says the co-creator the semi-biographical NBC sitcom “The Carmichael Show” that ran for three seasons before being canceled in 2017. As he discusses his mother, Carmichael digs into her quiet nature, politeness, and choice to ignore his sexuality.

“Even hate starts to feel like love because that’s acknowledgement. It’s not just nice. It’s not pleasant. It’s real, and I think that would feel better,” he says. “I wish she would yell at me. I wish she would tell me to not come home. I wish she’d call me a faggot like my Uncle June Bug did.”

Though his mother shies away from discussing and fully acknowledging his sexual orientation, Carmichael does not—at least not anymore.

 “I feel freer,” he says, and the audience applauds.

Directed by Bo Burnham, “Rothaniel” features claustrophobic close-ups that make the viewing audience feel uncomfortably intimate with a stranger who seems strangely familiar, as he confesses his deepest secrets.

Wherever you stand on the issue of homosexuality, “Rothaniel”—which is both his real name and the title of the special—is riveting and thought-provoking to watch.