By EEW Magazine Contributor // Depression // Encouragement

It started when I was hired at a predominantly white Christian company. All the women were grouped off, laughing and chatting about everything from marriage to manicures. But I had no one to talk to and didn’t feel like I had anything in common with them anyway. 

During my first week, even though everyone was sweet, a new battle with feelings of loneliness, isolation and depression began. Honestly, it was no one’s fault. Even though I had moved to a new city recently and started life over, the truth of the matter is I had been struggling with my mental health years before suffering with the “only-black-girl-in-the-room syndrome.”

Back home, I had been singing on the worship team for four years. I had joined several committees and was very active in a local ministry. I loved my home church! I was always eager to do whatever was asked of me. I especially loved attending small group sessions and teaching Bible study. I had plenty of Christian friends, fun outings and a fulfilling life. I should have been happy, but I wasn’t. I just felt alone in a room full of people.

Despite having a good job with decent pay, a nice car and beautiful apartment, I somehow felt unworthy to receive anything good. Unworthy of happiness. Unworthy of being successful. Just generally unworthy, anxious and depressed.

I started calling off work and sleeping in. Those extra hours of snoozing turned into days and then into weeks. I was no longer grooming myself. I was a mess with matted hair, a dirty t-shirt and sweats. I felt this heavy weight on me, like I couldn’t get out of bed. I knew something was up with me, but I didn’t want to admit it, particularly because my mom had struggled with mental illness. I had vowed, decreed and declared that I wouldn’t be next!

So I thought moving to a new city would be good for me. You know, a change of scene. Unfortunately, the change of scenery didn’t change my internal war. Sure, the lack of diversity issue triggered my anxiety and depression even more in my new home, and I was an even bigger mess, but that wasn’t the true problem.

I was terribly ashamed when, after only being in a new place for three months, I had to call to speak to my former leaders. They had given me a big send-off and were happy for my transition. I dialed them up with shaky hands as I thought to myself, they are going to think I’m an absolute failure. But they graciously agreed to an emergency over-the-phone counseling session. Although I now know I didn't need to be ashamed, at the time I was afraid that they would judge me and see me differently.

“We already knew,” they said, shocking the pants off of me as I told them I was depressed.

“You weren’t fooling us. So we prayed for you and knew you would open up when you were ready,” they added.

I suddenly became a ball of tears, explaining to them between sobs that, “I didn't want you to view me as weak and broken, even though that is how I was feeling.” I couldn't help thinking, how can I, a worship leader, be depressed? Why can’t I just turn this off and snap out of it?

My spiritual leaders, thank God, embraced me and told me God cared about my situation. They recommended a Christian therapist they knew in the new area where I was who specialized in cases like mine. After our helpful call, I nervously scheduled a visit and went to see the therapist.

And you know what? She was amazing!

She helped me understand that, just like limbs and organs in the body can break down, so can the mind. And we don't know why that mental breakdown happens to some and not others. But when it happens, the brain needs to be cared for properly so it can heal. I’ll admit that understanding my depression was very hard. Somehow, however, my therapist, who I know was sent by God, was able to cut through all of the confusion and help me make sense of it.

She gave me lots of scriptures and reminded me that I am not my condition. I am a child of the King. Today I understand that depression is a mental disorder and it needs to be treated as such. Treatment is a good thing. So I had to slow down and get help. It was intimidating and rocky at first, but I used the techniques my therapist gave me and slowly, I began seeing progress. I'm so thankful for her.

One day my therapist grabbed both my hands and told me very calmly, “It’s time to pray.” And pray she did! The Holy Spirit took over in her tiny, cluttered office. She rebuked the strongholds on my mind and interceded for me. When we got finished praying that day, I felt incredible. I also had an epiphany; I realized I was totally neglecting the spiritual side of my issue. How could I have managed to do that?

I had stopped praying and seeking God once the depression got to be overwhelming, which is where I went wrong.

That was five years ago and life has been improving ever since.

In order to beat depression, having a Christian counselor or therapist that specializes in treating mental and emotional disorders is great. But you must never forget that a combination of faith, prayer and the word of God is your first line of defense.

Even with all those things, there may be good days and bad ones, ups and downs, joys and sorrows, and long nights. But even on the worst days, God, who is good all the time, will carry you through.

Don’t be ashamed of your struggle.