Article By Bethany Marks // EEW Magazine // Friendship

When I was younger, I must confess, I experienced toxic, petty, volatile relationships with women. In fact, it got so bad, I thought I would never identify another sister in Christ to hold me down and be a friend for more than a few weeks or months.

I have since learned and grown, and discovered lasting, fulfilling relationships that leave me feeling grateful and blessed. So then, as a believer, how do you identify great girlfriends and healthy relationships?

Well, here are 10 qualities to look for (and what to avoid) as you wisely choose based on the leading of the Lord.

#1 They don't take pleasure in gossip. “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.” (Proverbs 11:13 NIV)

Make sure your friends (and you!) don't tear others down by constantly sharing unfounded rumors and trashy tidbits. If they gossip about others to you, they’ll gossip about you to others. Gossipers divulge private matters. They lack discretion and can be very messy. Often, they spread lies—whether purposely or accidentally—because they enjoy sharing bad news. You can’t trust them to hold anything in confidence.

#2 They can't be classified as busybodies. “…And not only do they become idlers, but also busybodies who talk nonsense, saying things they ought not to.” (1 Timothy 5:13 NIV)

Busybodies and gossipers run together and are usually the same person. They are always meddling in the affairs of others. They don’t have enough going on in their own lives, so they stick their noses in places they don't belong. They can always be found scavenging for scraps of information. They aren’t healthy and feel like they have to know everybody’s business and interject their two cents. When they ask How are you? it is not a genuine question. It is loaded with hopes of getting juicy insights about your personal matters.

#3 They are not incessantly critical. “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8 NIV)

Have you ever met those people who find the worst in everyone? They are classic criticizers. Instead of looking for good and praiseworthy qualities in people, they immediately point out the perceived flaws. Sad thing is, critical people often struggle with their own esteem. Instead of getting healthy and seeing themselves as God sees them, they try to chop people down to make themselves feel better. Steer clear of these kinds of critics. They will find the worst things, even in the best things.

#4 They don't like to needlessly quarrel. “It is to one’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.” (Proverbs 30:3 NIV)

If you don’t like to argue, a quarrelsome person will drive you up a wall! Although we all get into squabbles from time to time, quarrelers are a special breed. They enjoy controversy. They blow up quickly. They like being disagreeable as a general rule. That’s just their way of being. Quarrelers, in some cases, can be very dominant communicators who keep the verbal wars going until you agree with them or simply wave the white flag of surrender. They enjoy and feed on drama.

#5 They don't have a constant chip on their shoulder and don't like holding grudges. The Bible says love “keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:5 NIV)

A person who is unable to forgive can’t have a healthy relationship. Grudge-holders tend to be merciless and keep a record of wrong locked away in their heads. So even if you apologize and think you have resolved the issue, the moment something goes wrong, they break out the list and re-hash all the old drama. This is exhausting!

#6 They are not too carnal.“For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.” (Romans 8:6 KJV)

Carnal individuals are not interested in spiritual growth and maturity. They want what they want and live to find ways to cater to their fleshly whims and desires. They are detrimental to your spiritual growth and will often call you “too deep,” “holier than thou,” and “self-righteous,” when you disapprove of and refuse to engage in carnal acts.

#7 They are humble and aren't stuck up and arrogant. "God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble." (James 4:6 NIV)

Never build friendships with those who look down on others and think they are the best thing since sliced pie. They tend to mistreat people, refuse to heed sound advice, and stubbornly reject criticism of wrong behavior. They want people around them who praise their wonderfulness and meet certain socio-economic standards to roll with them. Say no thank you to prideful, stuck up, arrogant people.

#8 They are not jealous. “For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.” (James 3:16 ESV)

Jealous people are very possessive, mistrustful, envious and smothering. Because they aren’t in a healthy place within themselves, they develop unhealthy ties to others. Sometimes, they can be emotionally abusive, too. In addition to holding on too tightly, they will attempt to diminish your value so you won’t see your worth, and realize you deserve better than them. As the saying goes, "Misery loves company."

#9 They are not judgmental and don't hold shortcomings over your head. “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;” (Luke 6:37 ESV)

True believers don’t make a habit of sinning. They also admit mistakes when they make them. Once the confession and repentance phase is complete, however, the last thing you need is a judgmental person reminding you of how terrible you are for stumbling. A real friend will help you make the right decisions, pray for you and encourage you. Love and understanding is needed in your moments of weakness, not condemnation.

#10 They are not flatterers and will tell you the truth about yourself. “A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet.” (Proverbs 29:5 ESV)

Flattery gets you nowhere. If you want to be the best you, surround yourself with people who are willing to tell you the truth in love. This is not the same as constant criticism and negativity. It just means you don’t want a bunch of “yes men" (or "yes women," for that matter) in your space. If you are wrong and veering off the right path, a flatterer will say whatever you like to hear to stay in your good graces and get what they want out of you. Truth-tellers are absolutely essential to your spiritual and emotional health.

The 10 qualities listed here are just some of many you should be on the lookout for. Before you forge any new relationships, be sure you have sought the heart of God, because He knows what's best.

Though no one is perfect, with the help of the Lord you can find girlfriends that have Godly character and will motivate you to live the way God intended.