By Alisa Delgado // Faith & Culture // EEW Magazine Online

Is it possible that one's outsized personality can kick them out of the fold?

I make it a practice not to judge, condemn, or persecute Christians that live their lives differently than me. Judging is God’s job. I see it as my duty to love and extend grace just as Christ has done for me. In many ways, I believe this philosophy contributes to my ability to co-mingle with and connect to diverse people with distinct views, personalities, and attitudes.

Being loving, accepting, and compassionate have served me well in personal relationships and as a witness for Christ, but sometimes it isn’t enough.

For example, the very first time I invited one of my closest childhood friends to church, she outright told me, “Chile, no. I am too ‘turnt up’ (Code for wild) for them stuck up church folks.”

I laughed, not at all surprised by her response. I’ll admit that my 28-year-old sorority sister and self-proclaimed drama queen has a colorful personality and uses even more colorful language. She admits that she is “a lot to handle,” as I rebut, “But God is big, strong, and compassionate enough to handle you, sis.”

Though we are complete opposites, still, we click like Lego blocks. However, she feels like regular churchgoers represent one big clique that she can’t click with at all, ever.

“They can’t take me,” she says, adding that her “tendency to share unfiltered thoughts and be the loudest one in the room” can be a turnoff. Yet, those who give her a chance soon find out that she has a heart of gold and deep devotion to her faith.

Though she keeps me laughing, honestly, underneath my laughter is hidden grief because I know some of the reasons why I can’t drag her, not even kicking and screaming, to the house of the Lord.  In deep conversations, she’s revealed more than a few bad experiences tied to leadership abuse, church politics, and harmful doctrine focusing on the need for personal perfection. To shield herself, she streams worship services exclusively online these days.

“I stay away from holier-than-thou Christians whose favorite hobby is picking everybody else apart in spite of their own shortcomings,” she explains. “The so-called saints be too judgmental, saditty, and they stay trying to change me like they died on the cross for my sins. Nope.”

I realize that my friend isn’t the only one who feels this way.

A Barna study revealed that Americans, age 16-29, are turned off from Christianity because of their negative perception of it. Research participants said Christianity is judgmental (87%), hypocritical (85%), and old-fashioned (78%)—among other not so flattering things.

Because of these perceptions, many young people shy away from faith altogether for fear of being told that they must tone themselves down, look and act perfect, and prove their devotion to Christ to be accepted—something my friend calls “exhausting.”

“A better way to approach new believers and nonbelievers is by embracing them and making them feel included, not excluded,” said Chantal Smith, Yale alumnus and New York based Christian psychologist. “In any group setting, not just church, the newbie feels isolated and hesitant to join in because they wonder, do I fit in, or will I be allowed to be a part of these long-established relationships?”

Smith notes that the rules of common decency do not change in religious settings. “Even God said in Jeremiah 31:3, ‘With lovingkindness have I drawn you,’” Smith, 48, explains.

“A little lovingkindness goes a long way. The more accepting you are toward all people—regardless of how they present themselves—the more likely you are to gain their trust and confidence that your circles are safe spaces for them to grow, evolve, and be their whole self.”

Though I have not yet succeeded in winning over my friend, I continue to focus on loving her and trusting God to work in her heart. Every chance I get, I reinforce for her, “God fully accepts you, turnt up and all.”